CHAPTER 14 (continued)

Posted: June 12, 2014 in Uncategorized


One of the hardest things in life is letting go. Whether it is guilt, anger , love , loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. – Unknown


The room was quiet and I could just hear Hussains movements outside. He hadn’t gone straight into the shed this morning. We had eaten breakfast together…together! Not just in the same room at the same time like before. I woke up this morning wondering if he really was ready for this. When he came down for breakfast he looked completely settled and …happy. He handed me the piece of paper that is now on my dresser. When he did, he smiled a smile that made me sure that the atmosphere had definitely changed between us. It makes me think back to the conversation we had the other night.


He surprised me, he really surprised me with his plan of action, I never expected him to suggest that.


“we can adopt” he had said as he pulled out the second piece of paper from his pocket. “or get a gestational carrier”. He looked at me hopefully. A surrogate?, I definitely was not expecting that, and when I didn’t say anything he filled the silence, “I know it won’t be exactly the same but at least you won’t be at risk”.


I tried to digest what he was saying. “Look, I really appreciated your concern for me” I began trying to ease my way into what I was trying to say, “I understand now what you are worried about” I paused to muster up the courage to say what came next,  “but you allowed me make the decision once about waiting because it was MY body.” I stopped so he can ponder that thought for a minute. “Well” , I continued , “it’s still my body now so let me decide now, what my body can handle” I said in one breath.


He looked at me intensely, I could see the doubt in his eyes. “I can’t let you go through that again, Farnaz. I won’t. If there is even the tiniest possibility that something could ….” I stopped him with a gesture of my hand.


“If there is a tinniest possibility that I could carry our baby to term…I have to try” I pleaded. “I just have to” I said my voice filled with emotion. Swallowing hard to continue I said, “having a baby that is a part of you and a part of me…” I stopped again. My eyes filled with tears, “It will make it all worthwhile” I said managing to hold myself together.


I could see the hope in his eyes for a minute as he watched me. Then he seemed to start thinking logically again and sat up straight, “But the doctor said…” he began to argue. I cut him off again. “She said that now that we know what the problem is, we have to monitor the pregnancy carefully. It isn’t going to be easy, but because it will be so difficult, we have to both want it even more”.


He looked at me confused for a while and then got up and left the kitchen without a word. I could feel my blood start to boil in my veins as I watched him walk away without a word. Did he really want this? I wondered. It was him who first started talking about children, but that was a lifetime ago. SO much has changed since then. I hadn’t realized just how much I wanted it until just now. It was just an idea, the next step, before. But now every fiber of my being is crying out for this. Maybe he doesn’t want it as much as I do. Is he really up to this? If he can’t sit through a conversation and talk about the hard stuff how is he suppose to actually do it?


  1. Jameela says:

    Shukran for this beautiful story. I’m really enjoying it. You could say I’m hooked. May Allah continue to guide your hand. Aameen. Wassalaam

  2. shabeeha says:

    Aameen. Thank you. Please continue to read and pass it on to your friends. Enjoy. S.

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