CHAPTER 11 (continued

Posted: June 3, 2014 in Uncategorized


He is not the man I chose for myself, he is what Allah chose for me , and that is even better – Farnaz (Transformation)

“I have to say something” he repeated and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his trouser pocket and smoothed it on the table.

What is that? I thought.

“ahem” he cleared his throat and looked at the paper. Did he write a speech?

“I just made a few notes so I won’t forget anything” he said acknowledging my confusion. I peered into his paper. It was in point form with arrows and scribbled notes. I couldn’t read anything relevant. When he saw me peeking he turned it away.

“ok” I said.

“This is difficult for me Farnaz” , he began. “I am not good with talking”

“Please try not to comment till after I am done, ok” he said a bit more relaxed. He even gave a wry smile. My anxiety melted away immediately and I nodded.

Close to thirty minutes later he squashed up the paper and threw it across the table. He sighed heavily as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His eyes were shining and he swallowed hard. We sat in silence for a while. I was trying to digest everything that I was just told.

I was a myriad of emotions. I didn’t know he blamed himself for the miscarriage. I didn’t know that he just wanted to protect me. I felt so guilty for all the anger I had towards him. He doesn’t want to risk my health ever again. He couldn’t express his feelings, he said he didn’t know how. He was sorry. He said he was sorry, so sorry. The words I never thought I would hear from his lips, and it came as broken words as he tried not to break down. He was sorry for pushing me to get pregnant, He was sorry for not being there for me. He was sorry for causing strain in the marriage. How could I have read him all wrong. I felt so guilty.

“im sorry too”, I said, finally mustering up the courage to speak. “I never should have pushed you to talk about the miscarriage. I thought you blamed me, I thought it was all my fault” I said now tears falling. He took my hand.

“We are doing this all wrong Farnaz. We are each trying to cope with this alone, when we are suppose to be a team”.

I looked up at him stunned. What had caused this sudden change in him. I decided to ask.

He smiled. Putting my hand back down he said seriously, “I have never been clear with my words” he began. “I am better at using my brain or my hands to solve problems”. I nodded in agreement as he continued. “When I really thought about it, there was only one other time that I was able to get my feelings across and that worked out pretty well” he said smiling.

“when was that? “ I was curious to know.

“It was a long time ago when I met this girl at University sitting in the library. She was researching something and although I had an assignment to do I couldn’t concentrate until I went over and spoke to her.”

First I blushed, then, I couldn’t believe my husband just made me blush. “words came so easy to you, even back then, I was intimidated.”he continued.

“I remember, you tried to impress me with the engine design you were working on”, I laughed thinking of the memory,

“And I was trying to use all the big words I learnt in the lecture and trying to explain about a crank shaft, and I couldn’t fool you, you knew all about it and even told me that it was actually invented by a muslim…”

“Al Jazari, in the 1200’s” I interjected.

“yes, and then I told you about my assignment and why I was studying engineering and about my family and my friends….”

“I think you spoke for hours” I said remembering.

“Yes and if I never let my guard down then, and tried to speak to that girl, I probably would have missed the best thing in my life”

My eyes teared up again.

”so I figured, if it worked then….”

He paused. “I just needed some preparation”, he said as he eyed the paper ball on the table.”

“So what now?” I asked expectantly.

“I got that covered”, he said reaching into his other trouser pocket and pulling out another piece of paper with written notes.

  1. amy says:

    Please try and post everyday, makes the reader more interested in following the blog as opposed to those blogs that randomely post
    جزاك الله خير so much

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